Top Ten Reasons to Get Out of Bed

10. My eye hurts.
9. I forgot my blankie.
8. I forgot my cat.
7. I forgot my treat (for staying dry all day, which they still get, because whenever I try to wean them off of it, even for a day, Z pees his pants).
6. My leg hurts.
5. I want to see Papa (who they know is not home).
4. I am too tired. (I am not kidding! Good one, huh?)
3. My lips hurt (even though he refuses chap stick).
2. I didn't eat supper (not true).
1. My "china" (vagina) is stinky. Okay. It's true. I do tell her to make sure to wash her "china", cuz (OH MY GOSH!) girl's front butt's stink when they don't wipe good! But really....What in the world!? When you have run out of every other option, does your brain trick itself into thinking that your mom would care if your "china" is stinky TWO HOURS after you were put in bed?! Does she think I am going to lovingly indulge her in a sweet-smelling bubble bath at this time of night? How does one know, exactly, if one's "china" is stinky anyway, especially when donning footed pajamas?!

Lying

Our kids are getting adept at lying. I am not sure I like it.
The lies are usually fashioned this way:
Me: B, did you hit Z?
B: Um....what will I get if I did hit Z?

S: MOM! Z took my toy that I was playing with!
Z: No. It is mine! I was playing with it first.
Me: When were you playing with it, Z?
Z, in a mumble: Lasterday (yesterday).
Me: Good try, Z. Give it back to S.

S, crying and pinching her butt cheeks together, like she always does when she has to poop: Eeeeee! (Running to hide), Errrgh, (still pinching those cheeks together).
Me: S, go poop. Right now.
S: I'm not doing that noise because I have a tummy ache and have to poop (she knows the drill). I have a headache. That's why I said, 'Eeeee!'
Me: Go poop.

Halloween

I never told you:
Our boys were dragons for Halloween.
S was a geisha.

We didn't really go trick-or-treating, because the houses are too far apart. The reward wouldn't be worth the work.

But we did go to a church Halloween party.

They were supposed to go dressed up as Bible characters. K told everyone S was Rahab, and the boys were Jacob and Esau (you know...the competing twin brothers....). There ya go. Quick fix.

Sticky

K just went to get icecream, and paused to ask, "Did you know there is a shirt in the freezer?"

I did know.

I am trying to freeze a wad of gum off of it.

I broke down and gave my kids gum today.

One kid "saved it" on the front of his shirt.

One kid chewed it all day....for nine hours straight. And cried and fought when I asked her to take it out for bed.

I stepped in the third kid's, because it was stuck in a pile on the carpet.

We're going back to the "gum is for adults" rule.

Moms

Z sat at the table and ate a sticky popcorn ball.
He had to pee, but he couldn't get off of the stool, because didn't want to touch the anything with his sticky hands (yes, he is obviously my son).
I helped him down. He ran to the bathroom.
"Mom! (jumping up and down, crossing his legs, grabbing his boy parts) I need help with my pants! My hands are messy!"

"Mom! I can't get on the potty! My hands are sticky!"
(After peeing), "Mom, I need help down! I don't want popcorn on the toilet!"
"Mom, can you get the step (stool)? I don't want to get the step all dirty!"

And finally, "Mom, can you turn the water on?"

While washing his hands, Z turned, smiled huge, and asked, "Geez, do you have to do EVERYTHING around here!?"

Stairs

I was feeling bad already, because I was leaving the kids with Keith for the weekend.
Then, B fell down the stairs, right in front of me.
I saw him crawl up the stairs on his knees, attempt to stand on the last stair, and then mis-step and fall backwards, hitting his head, and then sliding down on his back the whole way down to the last step.
I ran down and grabbed him up.
He cried a long time, and in between tears and gasps for breath, sobbed, "I just wanted someone to save me!"

Oh. My. Gosh.

Now I am feeling crappily (where'd that word come from?) worse.

Epilogue: He is fine. He peeled himself out of my arms, after a few minutes, and said his head was better.

More Epilogue: B made sure to report, as soon as I returned from my trip (no pun intended), that he lost his balance on the stairs again (what the heck!?), and his Papa didn't fail him. K caught the boy before he actually fell. "Papa caught me, and you didn't, mama."

Oh. Nice. Thanks for sharin', buddy! :)